confessions
by marauding-siriusly
Summary: peter pettigrew speaks about what he's done. i love peter, but i know most people dont, so ill tell you that he is not asking forgiveness. one shot, please r


_i know that everyone hates peter, but i never could. i mean, can you really imagine what he went through, and still say that you blame him for everything? anyway, i dont really expect many people to read this because most people hate him, but the idea just came to me, and wouldnt leave me until i wrote it down._

_disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, neither are the situations. what peter feels came out of my head, but thats it._

I was never as brave as you all. Never as strong. I tried, god, I tried so hard, but there was only so much I could stand.

Please, James, forgive me. I always looked up to you and aspired to prove that I was, not as great as you, because I tried to have reasonable goals, but something you would be proud of. I may have been two months older than you, but you were my big brother. We were all brothers, us marauders, but you were the truest of us. I just hope that you would understand that I tried.

Lily, beautiful woman. Betraying you, I felt as though I had crushed the last flower before a winter of frost. You were James' wife, but you know that all four of us loved you. You were the mother of our family, and I know that out of everyone whose life I destroyed, you would be the hardest to apologize to. Because you would forgive me, sweet jewel that you are, and I will never deserve forgiveness.

Remus, my first friend, my last friend. You were the one that lent me a friendly hand that first day on the train. That was the last thought in my head when I told Sirius that you were the spy. I think that that was the moment I condemned myself. Not when I joined the death eaters, because at that point I was still telling myself that it couldn't be helped. I took everyone from you, left you with emptiness. For that I will always feel pain. Of everyone, you were the one who needed our family the most. I see just how strong you must be to have survived this long.

Sirius. How did I ever fool you? You were smart, intuitive. Why didn't you see that I was lying? I owe you the most, because I hurt you more than anyone, but I also can't quell my anger. The whole time I played that charade I prayed that someone would discover it. And I knew that you were in the best position to. James and Lily were too worried about Harry, and Remus was too trusting; but you should have noticed. You poor bastard, I ruined you, and you hate me for it; but I hate you for letting me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I gave you hints and clues, and you passed by without a glance. I will never forgive you.

Harry, when I first saw you, I was sure that James had come back to haunt me. Your eyes just convinced me; Lily's eyes, staring at me. You will never know how sorry I am. Or maybe you will—you blame yourself for things almost as harshly as I do. Don't—it will destroy you as it has destroyed me.

Professor Dumbledore, you must be so disappointed in me. You hate death eater's with a passion and fury that makes me despair in my heart, because I know you will never forgive me. You, who look on everything as having a bright side, will never allow me to grace your ears with a suitable explanation. Because there is none. I am weak, Voldemort knew that, and so went after me. You could never understand that—you are the strongest person I know, and you could never know what it is like to know you have no chance, nothing to run to, no one to help you. You might have asked me to become a spy, like Snape, but in all reality, I was too scared that you would ask me. I was too frightened to follow that path, but you and the others would never understand.

I think that was my biggest problem. I joined the Order because my friends did, and I thought that if I did I would prove to myself that I truly deserved to call myself a Gryffindor. Why no one saw that I was cracking, I will never know. But I want you all to know, that as much as you despise me, I despise and condemn myself more.

I have tried to blame this on others: Voldemort, for torturing me into submission; the order for trusting me; my friends, for not noticing my hidden struggle. But it all comes down to this: I am unworthy to even pray for retribution upon myself, because it will never be enough.

The worst moment in my life was not any of the terrible things I did, it was not the twelve years of drowning in guilt; it was the day my two remaining brothers found me again. I undeservingly refer to them as my brothers still, because as unworthy as I am as a brother, they are still my brothers, and have been since we took our blood oath, binding ourselves to the other's lives. But I digress. When they found me, I had made up my mind to accept my fate; death. It was better than I deserved. Yet when it came time, I could only watch myself beg and plead, disgustingly, once again trying to place others in the line of fire, until it was finally young Harry who came to my aid. And then I could think of nothing but escape.

I did escape, but once accomplished, I became crazed with self hatred. To weak to wreak retribution upon myself, I sought out the one I knew would relish the opportunity without inhibitions. Not Sirius; I did not deserve to be punished for what I did, that would only make me feel as though I could rid myself of this guilt. I can't, I won't, and that knowledge kills me almost as much as the guilt. I sought out Voldemort. What I found was beyond my imagination—only a shell of a man, yet still he managed to rope me in to something that would just continue building up my debt to the world.

When news reached me of Sirius' death, my world came crashing down. I had taken his life from him. Maybe it wasn't my curse that did it, but I took away his freedom and any chance of living when I put him in Azkaban. And again, I left Remus alone.

But I have gotten myself too deeply into this cycle of destruction; and being the coward I am, I cannot find any way to get out of it. Death will be welcome when it comes, but until then I continue to fight it. I do not know why, and I probably never will, but I fight on.

_if you read this, please review. its only one shot, so i wont get back to you on them, but reviews are what i live for, and i appreciate them so much. i dont care if they're flames, because flames are just saying that you read this and didnt like it, and i can understand that. so please, review and say anything. thanks so much!_


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